i think i'm hurting when i shouldn't be but its hard at times to just ignore and forget what has been said to you. <3........

what happened?

its almost close to February the month of love and i was thinking a lot has changed over the years. even relationships, what happened to the long relationships, to the dozen roses and the chocolates oh and the big teddy bears that say's " i love you" or "i miss you". now its all based on sex and who gets with the most girls and hits the most. i would love to walk in a park and see a sunset or sunrise. i would like a long walk on a beach and wonder about the mysterious ocean. i would like to wake up and go to the mail and discover a love letter. that would be soooo romantic. it may seem corny but if you think about it, it would be pretty nice to do for someone or to receive. when was the last time you received a gift from your boyfriend or girlfriend that was not made in china, that they actually took the time and effort and made it themselves for you? those gifts are the most valuable do to the fact that the whole time they were making it they were thinking about you and spending time memorizing what you like and don't like. this doesn't mean your gonna spend the rest of life making things, but you can change it up a bit instead of always buying try making something special. instead of going and eating dinner in a fancy restaurant pack some snacks and fruits and go set up a picnic! i have plan for the future that i want to do but before that this relationship has to become stronger.

its been so long since i've written on here and i guess i've been busy or something but i have nowhere to turn to, to let everything go... i feel like i'm drowning in a cup halfway filled of water i cant breathe and can get out, each time i swear the truth i just get denied. its hard to look at the positive side of things now, maybe as i'm getting older i get more expectations and responsibilities but thats not the case. i want him to believe me but he wont, and that hurts... i'm tired of crying so wont no more, well i hope i don't because that just shows weakness. i'm not hiding nothing from him i said it 8 times today, probably more later don't know. he told me things today that caused pain in my chest my heart..."go do you ill do me" never again did i thought i would hear those words again... but i did. im tired of all of this you did you didnt do your lying your this your that... fuck its sooo pathetic... but ill just try to shake it away and avoid shit like that with a smile no biggy just another damn bump on the road...

CATCH ME...

YI LOVE YOU SO MUCH Y

YOU KNOW THAT SAYING

" DONT FALL FOR HIM, ONLY IF HES WILLING TO CATCH YOU"

WELL I FEEL FOR YOU AND YOU DID CATCH ME...

I JUST HOPE YOU DONT GET TIRED OF ME AND DROP ME...

THE LANDING WONT HURT AS BAD AS KNOWING THAT YOU GAVE UP AND DONT WANT TO KEEP TRYING...

I DONT WANT THIS TO HAPPEN AT ALL...BUT LIKE YOU ALWAYS SAY "YOU NEVER KNOW WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN" BUT I LIKE DREAMING AND HOPING NOTHING BAD

HAPPENS TO OUR RELATIONSHIP...

I DONT WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME BUT IF THAT HAPPENS...

THERES NOTHING TO DO...

JUST WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED...

I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU...

AND YOU WERE WILLING TO CATCH ME....

AND YOU DID...

I DONT THINK I MADE A MISTAKE...

IN FALLING FOR YOU BEBE...

NO PUEDO AGUANTAR LAS GANAS...

DE VERTE...Y AQUIERO ESTAR JUNTO ATI OTRA VES...NO AGUANTO LAS GANAS DE VOLVER ABESARTE, Y DE SENTIR TUS MANOS EXPLORANDO MI CUERPO, AHY BEBE I MISS YOUR TOUCH, YOU ASKED ME HOW BAD I WANTED YOU AND I DIDNT REPLY BCUZ I WAS SHY AND MY ANSWER WAS REALLY REALLY BAD...QUIERO SER TUYA OTRA VES...QUIERO SENTIR TU CALOR Y SENTIR QUE ME DESEAS COMO YO TE DESEO A TI...YA QUIERO ESTAR CON TIGO OTRA VES Y NO AGUANTO LAS GANAS PERO TENGO QUE...BABY I LOVE YOU...AND YOUR BEING THOUGHT OF AND MISSED VERY MUCH TROUGH OUT THE DAY...TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO TE AMO..............

JUST THINKNING...BOUT...

HIM AGAIN...IM IN CLASS BORED AS FUCK, TIRED, JUST READY TO GET THE FUCK OUT...MY FRIENDS KEEP TALKIN BOUT SUMTHING...BUT I DONT PAY ANY MIND TO WHAT THEIR SAYING BCUZ IM THINKING BOUT HIM AGAIN...UGH...I MISS HIM SO MUCH...Y YA QUIERO ESTAR CON EL OTRA VES...UGH! I HATE BEING AWAY FROM HIM...I SWEAR EVERYTHING HAS TO BE SO DAMN DIFFICULT!... BUT O WELL I STILL THINK BOUT HIM ALL THE TIME...I HOPE TO SEE HIM THIS FRIDAY, PORQUE QUIERO BESARLO, ABRAZARLO, Y DEMOSTRARLE K LO AMO CON TODO MI CORAZON...I CANT STOP THINKING BOUT HIM! AND I DONT WANT TO...ILL SIT HERE TILL SKOOL ENDS AND THINK BOUT MA HUBBY NAZARET....

?

I LOOK INTO A MIRROR AND WHAT DO I SEE? I SEE CONFUSING SADNESS IN THOSE EYES...A GURL WHOS CHANGED SO MUCH IN THE PAST YEAR... SHES PLEASED ABOUT THE CHANGE...BUT NOW SHE NOTICED THAT SHE IS NO LONGER A CHILD...A LITTLE GIRL WHO USED TO NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANYTHING...NOW SHES NOT SURE WHAT SHE IS...SHE KNOS FOR SURE SHE ISNT A CHILD BUT DOESN'T KNO IF SHE IS CONSIDERED TO BE A WOMAN...HER HAIR HAS SHRUNKED DARKENED HER NAILS ARE BLACK...HER WOMAN FEATURES ARE MORE NOTICABLE...HER EYELINER IS SMEARED ON HER CHEEKS FROM HER NATURE RAIN...YOU CAN SEE THE PAIN BUT YOU DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG WITH HER...YOU SEE HER SMILING AND LAUGHING AND FAKING A HAPPY LIFE WHEN YOU KNOW DEEP INSIDE SHE IS HIDING SUMTHING...SHE CLAIMED TO BE IN LOVE...BUT KNO ONE UNDERSTANDS HER...PEOPLE MAKE HER FEEL STUPID WHEN SHE SAYS THOSE WORDS ITS NOT EASY TO SAY HOW SHE FEELS TO THE PERSON WHO OPENED HER HEART AGAIN...SHES SHY IN THAT CASE...SHED RATHER SIT DOWN AND TYPE HER FEARS, PLANS, PROBLEMS, AND FEELINGS BEHIND A SCREEN...A SCREEN THAT CANT TELL HER TO SHUT UP OR FUCK OFF WITH THAT LAME SHIT...THAT SCREEN STAYS THERE WAITING FOR THE GURL TO OPEN UP TO IT... WHEN EVER THAT GURL ISNT TYPING OR THINKING SHE GOES TO HER BESTFRIEND HER DIARY...THAT DIARY HAS SEEN HER SMILE LAUGH CRY OR GET ANGRY AND CUSS OUT THE WHOLE DEMONS OUT...BUT IT NEVER TOLD HER NUFFIN IT STAYED AND LISTENED AND READ EVERYTHING SHE HAD TO SAY...THAT GURL IS MAD AT LIFE AT TIMES FOR BEING SO FUCKING DUMB... SHE THINKS ITS A FUCKING GAME THAT YOU NEED TO GO AGAINST OBSTACLES TO SURVIVE...BUT WHAT IF YOU WANNA LOSE THAT DAMN GAME WHAT IF YOU DONT WANNA CONTINUE TO THE NEXT LEVEL?THERES NO PAUSE IN THIS DAMN GAME SHE SAYS...THE GURL WIPES HER TEARS AND WHISPERS TO HERSELF..."THINGS WILL GET BETTER.. THINGS WILL TURN OUT GOOD FOR THE BOTH OF US BUT... WE HAVE TO TRY"

THAT GURL IS ME...AND I WILL TRY TO BE THE BEST AT EVERYTHING........